Starmoth Press

a diary of words, paper and other ephemeral things

Tag: Tarot writing

  • The Tarot Diaries: Temperance

    Read the essay

  • The tarot diaries: ace of pentacles

    My collage for the ace of pentacles

    Read the essay here

    this week’s edition of The Tarot Diaries is now available. We’re talking about the ace of pentacles, how the hand is offering you the pentacle just as Morpheus offered Neo the red pill out of the matrix, about analog practice, about cooking and the moments that make sobriety and presence worth it.

  • The Tarot Diaries: the moon

    I will be linking the newsletter archive here to avoid having to publish both places. No subscription is required, but it’s always appreciated!

    The Tarot Diaries: the moon

    The Tarot Diaries, my 78-week project has had me delving deeper than I anticipated, much faster than expected. In today’s post I share about self-identity, the myth of Narcissus, the cloudy depths of the subconscious, dealing with the throes of sobriety and memory loss. Trigger warnings are listed at the beginning of the essay. It’s a vulnerable one folks. 

    The Tarot Diaries: the moon

  • The Tarot Diaries: Queen of Wands

    I drew this card on the evening of the 28th, having wrapped up my week with the four of wands. I did so after my daily prayer practice. It felt good to pull the Queen of Wands. I love her creative, life-giving energy. Then I went to bed.

    During morning pages on Monday I didn’t think much of it but I did decide to do a collage to get the juices flowing. This is the collage that resulted after my own knowledge of the Queen of Wands as well as just vibing with the card.

    Queen of Wands, collage on index card, completed 9/29/25

    I was incredibly proud of this piece. I am trying to push the bounds of my collage practice. I am trying to include new subjects and shapes, patterns and colors. The sunflower was cut out of a copy of How to Know the Wild Flowers. This was done on a co-working live, and it took immense concentration. But, again…I think one of the main takeaways for me on my creative journey this year has been that sitting with discomfort is a part of it. That’s where this TikTok came from. I filmed a beautiful monarch butterfly outside in the backyard. I was baking in the heat (it’s still in the 80s in the Midwest) because the dog wanted to peruse the whole property…or so it seemed. She was doing dog things, I was observing our (still) blooming zinnia patch when I turned to find this gorgeous creature just chilling on our hedgerow. The thing is, I wouldn’t have seen her, been captivated by her beauty, or thought to record her (I’m keeping that part in a little box labeled LOOK AT THIS LATER WHEN THE WORLD IS LESS WILD). My grumpy, sweaty, tired self would’ve been obliviously inside, comfortable.

    https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTM6fUvD8/

    So the Queen of Wands embraces life. She is open and excited about creative potential. She moves in action towards that which she desires. I can certainly see this in myself, especially in this moment. With both kids at school during the day and hours to myself to work on what I’ve set aside…it seems as though creative flourishing is in season, at least for now.

    Then I was blocked for two days.

    Fortunately, this isn’t like an actual creative block and more like the real world circumstances and other creative commitments we make (that I’m all of a sudden holding to, thank you The Artist’s Way) that stand in the way by means of taking time. Ultimately, I can see…especially in my circumstances as a bipolar person, with ADHD, who is a recovering addict…that external intervention that pulls me back to the day to day minutiae is a good thing. I get very blustery at the time.

    Didn’t the universe know I was JUST STARTING this project on the tarot and being so busy otherwise was going to make follow through too difficult.

    Julia Cameron, in The Artist’s Way, talks about walking in trust with our creator. You can refer to this Great Mystery as god, the universe, source, whatever. I’m starting to realize that while I don’t have the habitual organization of what we might think of as a type a person, I do have issues with control. I want to control…everything.

    How can one who wishes to subvert control over as much as they can in their life possibly sit in vulnerable openness to god? How could one singular being possibly know the path more than the being that is everything? Why do I feel the need to constantly push and push and push.

    I’ve listened to the audiobook of Seventy-Eight Degrees of Wisdom from the late Rachel Pollack once. I recently bought a physical copy because, as I stated at the beginning of the project, I want to develop a more intimate relationship with the cards. I am reading through Pollack’s interpretations and wisdom of each card as one piece to this puzzle. This is the first card where I had to do it before writing my initial thoughts essay.

    When I used to do readings for other people I did not read reversals. It was too overwhelming. I was getting too caught up in technicalities so I let that go. As I refer to Pollack’s book, I can see that I easily got upright understanding of this card down, at least surface level. It’s when I looked to the reversed meanings that are shared that it seems like maybe this is why I am with this card at this time. Pollack says about the Queen of Wands Reversed:

    “We can see her as the kind of person who will take over the running of someone’s house when they have had a crisis and at the same time off advice, consultation, emotional support, all these things coming from a natural impulse rather than a sense of duty.
    At the same time this good nature demands that life respond in a positive way. Too much disaster or too much opposition from life (and the weakness of such a person can be a tendency to think of life as ‘unfair’), and a nasty streak can emerge. She can become deceitful, jealous, unfaithful, or somewhat bitter.”

    Rachel Pollack, 78 Degrees of Wisdom: A Tarot Journey to Self-Awareness, pgs. 166-167

    If that doesn’t sound like me, I don’t know what does. It’s not really in reference to anyone else’s house, but my own. Despite the idea that I am a stay-at-home mom, I find myself running on fumes without clear time for rest or creativity. There are even moments in the car where I will pray out loud to god while talking about how unfair life is, not to sound ungrateful, but there’s so much to do and I can’t possibly manage all of this and I just want to be at home making art.

    I tear down all of my own boundaries and walls, then get mad when no one else helps me to adhere to them. I know that I thrive when I have time to create early in the morning, however I stay up later and later due either to time blindness, tiredness or unwillingness to stop what I’m working on. This isn’t just a self-regulation problem either. Part of The Artist’s Way that has been difficult has been managing the artist date, playful time doing something fun on my own, with my responsibilities and the guilt that comes up doing this.

    The Queen of Wands is inspiring me to think of how I can build more creativity into my mundane activities. She also invites me to play with the idea of time and structure. How can I have the routine that makes my ADHD happy while also providing the flexibility that my Inner Artist needs to follow her whims? AND how does all of this interact with my desire and goal to have a healthier relationship with discipline? My mind will continue to ponder as I meditate on the Queen of Wands and attempt to stay open and receptive for any insight.

    Journal Prompts:
    What is your relationship to discomfort? Can you sit with it? Can you befriend it as you work towards a goal, perhaps one that is more abstract and long term?
    What is your relationship to discipline? How does is aide your creative work? Is it friend or foe? Do you avoid it all together? Try drawing a character, something that embodies discipline, that will make it easier for you to interact with. What does a conversation with them look like? How does it go? What do they expect from you in order to make your relationship work?
    What is your daily routine? How does creativity play a role? Do you schedule time, or find little moments? Do you feel like any part of your routine isn’t in balance?
    How are you standing up for yourself and your creative time?

    This is my little discipline friend (well, acquaintance for now). My idea behind it is if we all have this creative Inner Flame burning, then discipline is one of the key players to keep that Flame burning. The idea behind the prompt isn’t to draw some artistic genius rendering of Discipline as a character to ooooh and ahhhh over. The idea for what you create to help you visualize conversing with discipline if you have, perhaps, not been able to stay in a positive relationship with them OR are trying to figure out how they fit into your creative life so you’re both happy.

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  • The Tarot Diaries: The Four of Wands

    The four of wands is a quintessential happy card. I pulled it on the wrong week. It’s my birthday tomorrow. I can’t help but see the people, happy, celebratory, heading off to some stable future they seem to feel very certain of. The past couple of days I have been a ball of anxiety, specifically today.

    A card lays on an altar. It’s yellow, with four large staffs in the foreground. They are decorated with greenery. There are two people dressed up and look to be celebrating in the middle ground. In the background is a castle, and people heading in that direction.

    My life is probably the most stable it’s ever been…but on my birthday, I feel the tug of lack. This is a very silly thing, as I have more than I ever thought possible. I am very grateful for my life…my family, the kids, our health, our home, our pup. 2013 Rikki could have never visualized anything, especially a way into this beautiful life.

    My birthday was a time of celebration. The people in the card are celebrating. It used to be an excuse for me to throw a party (I rarely needed an excuse, but still). Birthdays as an adult in recovery with two small children are…ordinary.

    There is beauty in ordinary. There is still a yearning there…to be known…to be seen. To be truly seen by our fellow humans is surely worth celebrating.

    Inevitably, I end up getting rather grumpy as we get closer to the day (i.e. me yesterday and today), and end up crying at some point because I feel let down. I don’t feel the glamor and excitement I used to around this day.

    This is not a bad thing. First off, the kind of partying I was doing was hardly glamorous. The excitement was simply anticipation for my next drink. My logical brain knows this. Second off, we grow as humans and priorities change.

    My birthday was one of those times I rarely had to explain my voracious drinking. I usually had to coax others to partake. My birthday gave me the confidence to demand people notice me, spend time with me, drink with me.

    I am richer in my life, now. I have two little humans who love every moment we spend together (for the most part, at least for now). I have a partner I am so grateful to…the understanding and love there gives me the ability to stand my ground.

    When I see the four wands in the card now, I think of home. I think of the balance that enables us to build our lives confidently. I think of my creativity, that has granted me mental bandwidth and better self-esteem. I think of my body, a long-neglected vessel that I am trying to tend to with more love and care. I think of my family, truly my everything. They are threaded through my being and my everyday in a visceral way I can hardly describe. I am so so lucky, even when I am too stubborn to see it. I think of my spiritual practice, which has led me to know witchcraft, and Catholicism, contemplative Christianity, Zen Buddhism, animism, and ultimately, that everything is god.

    Perhaps the people in the card are celebrating not a new adventure or abundance recently won. Perhaps they are sharing praise for the beautiful lives they’ve already co-created with the universe. Perhaps the invitation is to see all that’s there.

    • What helps to hold you up?
    • When you are having a day where you are feeling too reactive or overwhelmed, what is one practice that could help you zoom out and see everything as it is?
    • What do you feel needs celebrating in this moment? It can be any thing, big or small. Who are you celebrating this with?
    • In the card there is a castle indicating some type of future. What does that look like for you? What is the future you would find worth celebrating? What goodness are you wanting to call in for you, for your loved ones, for the collective?

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  • The Tarot Diaries: The Three of Cups

    When I entered the tiny washroom, I could still feel the bass thrumming in my veins. Dance music played outside. I escaped here, if just for a moment, to collect myself after another shot of Jack. Who knows how many shots at this point? My stomach turned, and I took a breath.

    These quiet moments in the small bathroom, the only one in this bar, allowed my mind to run away from the liquor-fueled avoidance. I drank to penetrate the veil. It was though I wore a gauze shroud my entire life, every person out of focus. I was unable to touch, unable to connect, unable to truly be seen by anyone. The alcohol allowed me to pulled the shroud off of my body. I was able to be loud, and messy, and seen, and I kept telling myself “this is the closest to the true me I will ever be able to come.”

    Of course, this was self-delusion. The hazy cloth that usually kept me separate from all of the people I came across in life now simply took the form of a glass wall. I look in the mirror, but I don’t see myself. I don’t recognize the girl, the person, the woman, standing there. She looks vacant in dirty little room. The light flickers and causes her skin to look sickly. I stand there staring in the mirror, not really seeing, not really recognizing the person who stood there looking back. It was time to re-enter the fray. It was time to go back into the sort-of club in the small town I swore I was going to leave to dance and drink with people I had convinced myself I had connected with.

    I think deep down, I knew that I had severed all connection…most importantly, the connection to myself.

    This flashback paints a little bit of a picture of the longing that fueled my depression and binge drinking during most of my 20s. Ya’ll, I sat down to write about the three of cups so many times yesterday. But the chalices in the image just keep tripping me up. What is the cheers for? What’s inside those vessels they are about to bring to their lips? Is it fuel for the fire, or cleansing water to truly see?

    My initial thoughts on this card from Monday were that community was the essence, and something vitally missing from my life. It almost made me nostalgic from the days of drinking. But as one might be able to tell from the flashback above, being surrounded by people doesn’t mean you don’t feel alone. In fact, there are times it’s more isolating. It’s easy to turn blame inward. You have to be the problem, right?

    A collage made with vintage materials found during my artist dates recently. Also used one of my image transfers I tried the first week of The Artist’s Way program. Note to self: do more of these.

    I don’t remember the exact moment I decided to start chipping away pieces of myself to try and fit into the ideas I believe society has for me. I don’t think there was a solid moment where I began to shove my true self underwater in order to step forward and fit in.

    But I do know my sobriety date. December 11, 2017. The day I decided to allow myself to break the surface of the water, to re-emerge to the world, to start breathing again. I don’t know…that feels like something worth celebrating.

    And every single day since has been a lesson in remembering that I can continue to get to know myself. I can continue to change and evolve and grow. In the hopes of making more friends and becoming a friend to my body, we decided to join a gym this week. This is typically not a good move for me. It means wasting money and taking on the guilt of never showing up for my health.

    So far it has gone well. There is a spot for the kids to hang out with other kids and play. I get to chill on the stationary bike and crochet. The husband gets to lift or do whatever he chooses. We break apart into our own little worlds, then come back together in our home. Family is also a community. Sometimes this is what can give us the strength to allow our world to expand.

    I often share that my husband and kids saved my life. I think this is true. I knew for a long time I had to stop drinking, but honestly didn’t see my own life as worthy of being saved. But I could show up for those I love. I did this long enough, and worked on my own healing long enough, that now I do see that getting sober just for myself is worthy. I am worth re-building a life for. I am worth pursuing a creative career that lights me up. I am worth showing up to the gym for to take care of a body long abused and neglected.

    All of this disparate parts make up my ever-shifting and multifaceted community. I celebrate with all of them. My family, my body, my mental health, my creativity, my IRL friends, my online friends, the plants and animals and insects I encounter everyday in this tiny little world I get to walk through.

    How lucky to live this life. How lucky to have survived. How lucky to have learned to love…not only others, but myself. Today, I celebrate that.

  • The Tarot Diaries: Three of Cups

    I’m not going to lie, when I pulled the three of cups it felt like a slap in the face. ESPECIALLY because I just finished week 3 of The Artist’s Way and struggled with this week. Ya’ll, I don’t have a lot of friends. Like IRL, call at the drop of a hat type friends. The card shows friends celebrating together. And I haven’t cheers like the people in the image since I was still chugging beers and taking shots of Everclear. 

    In week 3 of the Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron talks about Reclaiming Your Power, and one of the tasks was reaching out to a friend who makes you feel amazing and is fun to be around. It’s not that I don’t have friends like that — many don’t live near by and we’re all so busy that a random call like that may cause alarm.

    Since getting sober, I’ve kept my circle small. Celebrations are often with me, my husband and the kids. Sometimes we invite extended family along for certain things (such as the kids birthdays). I receive support in spirit from folks. Family is sparse and everyone is busy with their own lives. My creative work, which is usually my main focus outside of running the house, is just…not a priority.

    This card makes me realize that perhaps people don’t take it seriously because I don’t. And that hurts. I’ve sort of stumbled my way along the path to where I am now. It seems I am collecting all of my breadcrumbs and trying to put together a career. And…well, I’m a bit embarrassed about it.

    And I don’t know why. But I like to envision myself in this card.

    Or perhaps gathered at a table, surrounded by good friends. We hold space for our happy moments, and hold each other during moments that leave us wrung out, distraught. Children run freely through the home, all playing together…talking about whose house to stay the night at this week where they can build forts and tell ghost stories. And we can all trust that our loved ones are cared for together because we are kin. It’s a place I have in my mind, with people who’s faces I can’t quite see…and I don’t quite know how to cross the chasm and find myself building relationships with people again.

    So, I did the other exercises for Week 3, and will move on to Week 4 (video incoming, looking for the time/space to film). I will spend a week walking with the three of cups and learning to be more open. I did go to the gym for the first time in years today. My whole body was hesitant, but it feels vital to start caring for my body. That is a relationship that deserves to be tended as well.

    While meditating on this card today, I finished a painting. It’s quite the colorful watercolor painting, and sort of an abstract floral. It felt good to fall into flow with water and pigment and just move.

    Fun story, when you scan in work with neon watercolor — the color is all wonky. Look at the difference. 

    The flower feels reminiscent of the card, a collection of color and particles all coming together. The flower pushes out of the seed and up through the earth, searching for sunlight. It is held by all of the little pieces of the puzzle that fall into place before, during, after. This makes me think of those we may rely on. Nature as community, celebrating each other through the act of life, death, rebirth. Another representation of the three chalices held by three people.

    For now, I will walk with this card and attempt to keep my heart open. I will use my headphones less. I will try to make small talk more. And I will always remember that we all start somewhere…right?

  • Meditating on the Strength Card: the Great Blue Heron

    Yesterday I almost hit a great blue heron on the way to soccer practice (yes, fully a soccer mom). We were driving on the backroads, tall cornfields on both sides. It was a route we didn’t take usually, GPS just decided this was the way to go. It was a bit more hilly than I was used to. Anyways, the music is playing, kids are singing, we go over a hill and there’s a great blue heron just STANDING IN THE ROAD. I was shook. We were going about 57 mph, and I eased the car to a stop without slamming on the breaks…I was doing my best to protect us and the bird.

    Upon us getting closer to the bird, it slowly spread its’ wings and began to lift off of the ground. At this point, we fully stopped…luckily these aren’t busy roads. The long legs of the heron trailed behind, almost grazing the windshield of my car.

    I was, and still am, amazed.

    The heron is not the lion, as pictured in the Strength card. The heron exhibits a different kind of strength. This draws back to my last entry, where I said I think strength and patience are perhaps sisters. Or at least cousins. The Strength of this creature isn’t as upfront, in-your-face…but it’s there.

    The great blue heron stands still in water, its long legs granting it the ability to do so, and watches for fish. When you think of the heron, this might be the image that comes to mind. A hunter that stands…still, patient, alone…waiting for the perfect moment.

    There is a strength in how the great blue heron lives in the world. They come together for breeding season, and often nest in colonies. They provide care for young nestlings together. Once this vital part of their life cycle is done for the year, they often head out alone.

    This feels oddly similar to where I find myself at the moment. Both of my children off to a full day of school Monday through Friday. I spent a long time waiting for this moment (yes, not afraid to admit that a full day of me-time was, and is, tempting). That said, it feels as though I am wading into new territory. I often found myself limited by time and resources.

    Now I get to find the perfect moments throughout my day for creation, for making, for sharing. I am leaving the colony of nests to survive on my own for a while (not literally, as I am quite happily married and the kids are still home everyday). With patience, ease and hopefully grace I can slowly make my way across this threshold of change. I can gently tend to what needs attention. I can put down my phone and pick up the paintbrush. I can work on the projects that seemed too daunting. I can do all of these things, and know that there is always an imminent return home. There is exhilarating fear and excitement in this…and there is Strength in getting still, just like the great blue heron, to listen for what’s coming.