a diary of words, paper and other ephemeral things
this week’s edition of The Tarot Diaries is now available. We’re talking about the ace of pentacles, how the hand is offering you the pentacle just as Morpheus offered Neo the red pill out of the matrix, about analog practice, about cooking and the moments that make sobriety and presence worth it.
I drew this card on the evening of the 28th, having wrapped up my week with the four of wands. I did so after my daily prayer practice. It felt good to pull the Queen of Wands. I love her creative, life-giving energy. Then I went to bed.
During morning pages on Monday I didn’t think much of it but I did decide to do a collage to get the juices flowing. This is the collage that resulted after my own knowledge of the Queen of Wands as well as just vibing with the card.
I was incredibly proud of this piece. I am trying to push the bounds of my collage practice. I am trying to include new subjects and shapes, patterns and colors. The sunflower was cut out of a copy of How to Know the Wild Flowers. This was done on a co-working live, and it took immense concentration. But, again…I think one of the main takeaways for me on my creative journey this year has been that sitting with discomfort is a part of it. That’s where this TikTok came from. I filmed a beautiful monarch butterfly outside in the backyard. I was baking in the heat (it’s still in the 80s in the Midwest) because the dog wanted to peruse the whole property…or so it seemed. She was doing dog things, I was observing our (still) blooming zinnia patch when I turned to find this gorgeous creature just chilling on our hedgerow. The thing is, I wouldn’t have seen her, been captivated by her beauty, or thought to record her (I’m keeping that part in a little box labeled LOOK AT THIS LATER WHEN THE WORLD IS LESS WILD). My grumpy, sweaty, tired self would’ve been obliviously inside, comfortable.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTM6fUvD8/
So the Queen of Wands embraces life. She is open and excited about creative potential. She moves in action towards that which she desires. I can certainly see this in myself, especially in this moment. With both kids at school during the day and hours to myself to work on what I’ve set aside…it seems as though creative flourishing is in season, at least for now.
Then I was blocked for two days.
Fortunately, this isn’t like an actual creative block and more like the real world circumstances and other creative commitments we make (that I’m all of a sudden holding to, thank you The Artist’s Way) that stand in the way by means of taking time. Ultimately, I can see…especially in my circumstances as a bipolar person, with ADHD, who is a recovering addict…that external intervention that pulls me back to the day to day minutiae is a good thing. I get very blustery at the time.
Didn’t the universe know I was JUST STARTING this project on the tarot and being so busy otherwise was going to make follow through too difficult.
Julia Cameron, in The Artist’s Way, talks about walking in trust with our creator. You can refer to this Great Mystery as god, the universe, source, whatever. I’m starting to realize that while I don’t have the habitual organization of what we might think of as a type a person, I do have issues with control. I want to control…everything.
How can one who wishes to subvert control over as much as they can in their life possibly sit in vulnerable openness to god? How could one singular being possibly know the path more than the being that is everything? Why do I feel the need to constantly push and push and push.
I’ve listened to the audiobook of Seventy-Eight Degrees of Wisdom from the late Rachel Pollack once. I recently bought a physical copy because, as I stated at the beginning of the project, I want to develop a more intimate relationship with the cards. I am reading through Pollack’s interpretations and wisdom of each card as one piece to this puzzle. This is the first card where I had to do it before writing my initial thoughts essay.
When I used to do readings for other people I did not read reversals. It was too overwhelming. I was getting too caught up in technicalities so I let that go. As I refer to Pollack’s book, I can see that I easily got upright understanding of this card down, at least surface level. It’s when I looked to the reversed meanings that are shared that it seems like maybe this is why I am with this card at this time. Pollack says about the Queen of Wands Reversed:
“We can see her as the kind of person who will take over the running of someone’s house when they have had a crisis and at the same time off advice, consultation, emotional support, all these things coming from a natural impulse rather than a sense of duty.
Rachel Pollack, 78 Degrees of Wisdom: A Tarot Journey to Self-Awareness, pgs. 166-167
At the same time this good nature demands that life respond in a positive way. Too much disaster or too much opposition from life (and the weakness of such a person can be a tendency to think of life as ‘unfair’), and a nasty streak can emerge. She can become deceitful, jealous, unfaithful, or somewhat bitter.”
If that doesn’t sound like me, I don’t know what does. It’s not really in reference to anyone else’s house, but my own. Despite the idea that I am a stay-at-home mom, I find myself running on fumes without clear time for rest or creativity. There are even moments in the car where I will pray out loud to god while talking about how unfair life is, not to sound ungrateful, but there’s so much to do and I can’t possibly manage all of this and I just want to be at home making art.
I tear down all of my own boundaries and walls, then get mad when no one else helps me to adhere to them. I know that I thrive when I have time to create early in the morning, however I stay up later and later due either to time blindness, tiredness or unwillingness to stop what I’m working on. This isn’t just a self-regulation problem either. Part of The Artist’s Way that has been difficult has been managing the artist date, playful time doing something fun on my own, with my responsibilities and the guilt that comes up doing this.
The Queen of Wands is inspiring me to think of how I can build more creativity into my mundane activities. She also invites me to play with the idea of time and structure. How can I have the routine that makes my ADHD happy while also providing the flexibility that my Inner Artist needs to follow her whims? AND how does all of this interact with my desire and goal to have a healthier relationship with discipline? My mind will continue to ponder as I meditate on the Queen of Wands and attempt to stay open and receptive for any insight.
Journal Prompts:
What is your relationship to discomfort? Can you sit with it? Can you befriend it as you work towards a goal, perhaps one that is more abstract and long term?
What is your relationship to discipline? How does is aide your creative work? Is it friend or foe? Do you avoid it all together? Try drawing a character, something that embodies discipline, that will make it easier for you to interact with. What does a conversation with them look like? How does it go? What do they expect from you in order to make your relationship work?
What is your daily routine? How does creativity play a role? Do you schedule time, or find little moments? Do you feel like any part of your routine isn’t in balance?
How are you standing up for yourself and your creative time?
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Sunday, September 28, 2025
I’m happy to report my birthday was an ordinary day. The whole week was jam packed with different activities that kept me rather busy. I felt myself reaching for my phone a lot. When I get busy with daily minutiae, my body longs to escape. I want pretty pictures and art to aspire to. I want inspirational quotes and photos of other people’s highlight reel.
When I look at the four of wands this morning, I see the gate of the four staffs as a threshold. I see the celebration invites us into presence. It reminds us that the moment, the here and now of it, is the true threshold we are constantly standing at. If we decide to stay engage, if we push back against the impulse to pick up our phone and escape, if we decide to reclaim our attention, it is a threshold we can walk through again and again.
Daily rituals are good anchor points throughout the day for this. My altar practice, where I clean two cups to refill with water offerings, where I read my artist’s prayer, where I read from my daily readers, and I remind myself that everything is sacred…this is a pivotal anchor for me.
As some may know, I am currently working through The Artist’s Way, closing out week 5. Morning pages are also a daily ritual. Making coffee is a morning ritual. Making my nightly tea before I sit down in the evening is a ritual. All of these things pull me back. Filling the kettle. Preparing the coffee grounds, or the tea bags. Filling the cup with steaming water. Adding the honey, the coconut milk, stirring. If I can be there, in my mind, in that moment….I have crossed the threshold to presence and am reminded that this, too, is something to celebrate.
A collage done on an index card. It includes an image transfer of a woman’s back shoulders and head, she wears an ornate pearl necklace. Beneath this, two images stand out: colorful flowers behind a black and white circle, and a black and white anchor. There is red thread stitching throughout the piece, mostly in rows of four. This collage was done meditating on the four of wands.
Collage and stitching are two methods that help me to re-enter my body. This was made on Saturday after my morning pages. I found the process to be very therapeutic. I kept the four of wands card upright on my desk, following my desires intuitively for how I wanted this to turn out. Another collage I did Tuesday while meditating on the card is below.
This is a collage done on an index card. There are markings on the card, which show through the vaguely see-through image transfer on the bottom. The image is of two geese (honestly a guess) which to me symbolize the two celebrating within the card. The top portion of the collage is divided into sections, primarily black and white…except a portion between which has four vertical lines in red and outlined in black. This piece was done while meditating on the four of wands.
This piece, which I technically completed first, was done right after my first entry on this card on Tuesday. I can feel the undertone of anxiety when looking at it, but it also gives me little sparks of hope. Perhaps that is the whole point. Our practices bring us back to presence and help us feel a sense of hope again. Hope is a feeling we all should strive for during these times.
In honor of reclaiming my attention, I am trying to spend less time scrolling social media (especially while outside) or even listening to audiobooks or podcasts. It is difficult for me to admit that sometimes these distractions help me to complete tasks I have always felt resistance to.
Being outside is often an invitation to observe for me. Observation has taught me so much over the last few years living in the country. I believe this is a blue jay feather, a bird that has come to have some spiritual significance to me. I left it on the ground, as that’s where it decided to land, but did snap a photo. I was standing on the steps of our patio while the dog walked through the backyard, and I looked down for this little gift…a wink from god, the universe, happenstance, whatever. It made me smile. Gratitude swelled in my chest. That is easily a reason to celebrate.
So, I try to find balance. I see balance in the four of wands as well. We can make space for practice but also acknowledge that sometimes, at the end of a hard day, listening to a podcast while doing the dishes may be warranted. I want to think less in the way of all or nothing. I’d prefer to remember that everyday is a spectrum of our experience. Yes, we can choose our attitude and approach to life, but also circumstances can and do SUCK sometimes. Repressing the emotions that come up in these instances is not helpful. It will inspire our nervous systems to shut down, or distance themselves from the situation.
No, we can give ourself grace. We can ask for grace from god (insert whatever higher being or spiritual belief you have here — I believe all are valid). We can celebrate how far we’ve come when we allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity, then we stand up, dust ourselves off, and move on to the next thing.
There is always a next thing, another moment, a new threshold. It builds itself as we step forward. We can choose our perspective in these moments. It can be pessimistic, realistic, it can be the perspective that whatever waits on the other side is worth celebrating simply because that moment is there. And that is a miracle.
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Yesterday I almost hit a great blue heron on the way to soccer practice (yes, fully a soccer mom). We were driving on the backroads, tall cornfields on both sides. It was a route we didn’t take usually, GPS just decided this was the way to go. It was a bit more hilly than I was used to. Anyways, the music is playing, kids are singing, we go over a hill and there’s a great blue heron just STANDING IN THE ROAD. I was shook. We were going about 57 mph, and I eased the car to a stop without slamming on the breaks…I was doing my best to protect us and the bird.
Upon us getting closer to the bird, it slowly spread its’ wings and began to lift off of the ground. At this point, we fully stopped…luckily these aren’t busy roads. The long legs of the heron trailed behind, almost grazing the windshield of my car.
I was, and still am, amazed.
The heron is not the lion, as pictured in the Strength card. The heron exhibits a different kind of strength. This draws back to my last entry, where I said I think strength and patience are perhaps sisters. Or at least cousins. The Strength of this creature isn’t as upfront, in-your-face…but it’s there.
The great blue heron stands still in water, its long legs granting it the ability to do so, and watches for fish. When you think of the heron, this might be the image that comes to mind. A hunter that stands…still, patient, alone…waiting for the perfect moment.
There is a strength in how the great blue heron lives in the world. They come together for breeding season, and often nest in colonies. They provide care for young nestlings together. Once this vital part of their life cycle is done for the year, they often head out alone.
This feels oddly similar to where I find myself at the moment. Both of my children off to a full day of school Monday through Friday. I spent a long time waiting for this moment (yes, not afraid to admit that a full day of me-time was, and is, tempting). That said, it feels as though I am wading into new territory. I often found myself limited by time and resources.
Now I get to find the perfect moments throughout my day for creation, for making, for sharing. I am leaving the colony of nests to survive on my own for a while (not literally, as I am quite happily married and the kids are still home everyday). With patience, ease and hopefully grace I can slowly make my way across this threshold of change. I can gently tend to what needs attention. I can put down my phone and pick up the paintbrush. I can work on the projects that seemed too daunting. I can do all of these things, and know that there is always an imminent return home. There is exhilarating fear and excitement in this…and there is Strength in getting still, just like the great blue heron, to listen for what’s coming.
Last night I got an amazing lightning bolt of inspiration to start creative writing again. So excited to share. Here is an art journal spread inspired by that writing session and fairies.
Found my way back to inspiration for my favorite form of expression. Often I will go on creative sprints and then feel the need to take a break from this particular medium. Always a happy return. Completed after doing some Oracle art tonight. Readings still available in my Etsy, and they include a lovely one-of-a-kind mixed media artwork to go along with your message, affirmation and prompts. shops on sale 25% until Valentine’s Day.
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