Tag: Tarot blog
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The tarot diaries: ace of pentacles
My collage for the ace of pentacles 
this week’s edition of The Tarot Diaries is now available. We’re talking about the ace of pentacles, how the hand is offering you the pentacle just as Morpheus offered Neo the red pill out of the matrix, about analog practice, about cooking and the moments that make sobriety and presence worth it.
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The Tarot Diaries: The Four of Wands
The four of wands is a quintessential happy card. I pulled it on the wrong week. It’s my birthday tomorrow. I can’t help but see the people, happy, celebratory, heading off to some stable future they seem to feel very certain of. The past couple of days I have been a ball of anxiety, specifically today.
My life is probably the most stable it’s ever been…but on my birthday, I feel the tug of lack. This is a very silly thing, as I have more than I ever thought possible. I am very grateful for my life…my family, the kids, our health, our home, our pup. 2013 Rikki could have never visualized anything, especially a way into this beautiful life.
My birthday was a time of celebration. The people in the card are celebrating. It used to be an excuse for me to throw a party (I rarely needed an excuse, but still). Birthdays as an adult in recovery with two small children are…ordinary.
There is beauty in ordinary. There is still a yearning there…to be known…to be seen. To be truly seen by our fellow humans is surely worth celebrating.
Inevitably, I end up getting rather grumpy as we get closer to the day (i.e. me yesterday and today), and end up crying at some point because I feel let down. I don’t feel the glamor and excitement I used to around this day.
This is not a bad thing. First off, the kind of partying I was doing was hardly glamorous. The excitement was simply anticipation for my next drink. My logical brain knows this. Second off, we grow as humans and priorities change.
My birthday was one of those times I rarely had to explain my voracious drinking. I usually had to coax others to partake. My birthday gave me the confidence to demand people notice me, spend time with me, drink with me.
I am richer in my life, now. I have two little humans who love every moment we spend together (for the most part, at least for now). I have a partner I am so grateful to…the understanding and love there gives me the ability to stand my ground.
When I see the four wands in the card now, I think of home. I think of the balance that enables us to build our lives confidently. I think of my creativity, that has granted me mental bandwidth and better self-esteem. I think of my body, a long-neglected vessel that I am trying to tend to with more love and care. I think of my family, truly my everything. They are threaded through my being and my everyday in a visceral way I can hardly describe. I am so so lucky, even when I am too stubborn to see it. I think of my spiritual practice, which has led me to know witchcraft, and Catholicism, contemplative Christianity, Zen Buddhism, animism, and ultimately, that everything is god.
Perhaps the people in the card are celebrating not a new adventure or abundance recently won. Perhaps they are sharing praise for the beautiful lives they’ve already co-created with the universe. Perhaps the invitation is to see all that’s there.
- What helps to hold you up?
- When you are having a day where you are feeling too reactive or overwhelmed, what is one practice that could help you zoom out and see everything as it is?
- What do you feel needs celebrating in this moment? It can be any thing, big or small. Who are you celebrating this with?
- In the card there is a castle indicating some type of future. What does that look like for you? What is the future you would find worth celebrating? What goodness are you wanting to call in for you, for your loved ones, for the collective?
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Belief in Redemption as Strength
This project is a weekly walk with an individual tarot card. I will analyze the card. I will connect it with personal anecdotes. I will make art that is representative of the card, at least to me. I will try to embody the spirit of the card (or allow its’ spirit to embody me). I will look at the days of that week to see how the chosen card shows up in my life. It will be a practice of getting to know myself, becoming more intimate with the tarot, and coming back into my life. Tune in for status reports daily-ish here, or get the full week’s work in a delivered newsletter on Substack at https://starmoth.substack.com/. It has become clear to me that part of this ongoing documentation process will be a podcast. I am unsure if I should do this weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly. If you have a preference (I know there’s a lot of available content out there) please let me know in the comments. As always, I appreciate your time.
One of my core values as a person who is in recovery is that every person is worthy of redemption. I spent a LONG TIME hating myself. I still struggle with this. Negative self-talk still tries to claw its way into my life. On rough days, some of its tendrils may succeed. It is important for me to remember that I am good. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of redemption.
And who am I? I am a person who has made mistakes. I have failed, and hurt people, and have regrets. I have believed things with my whole chest before grace was granted in the form of someone teaching me a different way.
I have learned through recovery that life does not exist within a binary. Most of my life I saw the world this way. My brain didn’t develop the emotional capacity to see the world in shades of grey. This is why self-work is so important. This is why observing our life, and reflection, are so important.
As I near the end of my first week of this project where I have walked with the Strength Card, I come back to this core value. It is not my place to tell others how to feel. It is not my place to police the world. It is my place to ensure I show up aligned with my values. It is understanding that I come from a place of knowing it’s not my place to pass judgement on anyone. It is sitting with the discomfort of disagreeing with people closest to me. It is keeping my eyes open to what is happening in the world. My responsibility is to not check out.
Another habit I am observing within myself is the way I squirm and shrink to try and avoid discomfort. At some point, my brain had it in my head that pain and discomfort would be avoided at all costs. That is not life. That is not existence. Resistance to what is happening has brought me a lot of pain and suffering. I open my hands and let it go. I soften in the face of a harsh world. I offer love to those who may spit (or let’s face it, type) hate.
I breathe in to the space of my body. I travel between the cells of my being. I remember that I am an animal. I remember that searching for belonging is in my nature. I hold space for all the uncomfortable things I am bound to face. I surrender to the moment. I think there is strength in that.
Journal Prompts:
- When you look at the strength card, what comes up for you? Does the imagery or word bring forth any sensations or emotions? Observe, record, then dig in. Do you know why that came up? Can you think of a life event or story that perhaps your subconscious connected this card to?
- Think of your life this past week. What is an unexpected way that strength showed up for you? Is there a symbol or animal or spirit friend you were surprised by?
- What are your thoughts, beliefs and feelings about redemption? Do you believe that it relates to strength? What is your relationship to it? Is there a personal experience molding your ideas to redemption, or the fact that we are all worthy of love? Observe what shows up within your body. Make space for that. Write about it. Tell yourself that you love you. Spend time with a friend, if you are able.
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